The Gospel-Shaped Husband: 1 Peter 3:7

Have you heard the one about the husband who had a misunderstanding with his wife? It seems that every comedian has a barrage of jokes that surround marriage and a husband’s inability to live harmoniously with his wife. Listen to just about any comedian and you are all but guaranteed to hear those kind of jokes at some point. If the comedians are anything to go on, the ability for men to live well with their wives is not natural to any man. But you don’t have to take it from them, Peter affirms it in 1 Peter 3:7, commanding husbands in how they relate to their wives. For the first six verses of chapter 3, Peter has given instructions for Christian women in living in gospel submission to their husbands. But now in verse seven, he comes back around to the men, giving them instruction for living properly, before God, with their wives. The implication of the command toward men, just as it was for women, is that God’s plan for men and women’s unique and complimenting roles in marriage has been affected by sin and is not natural to them in the flesh, but is being redeemed in the gospel.

God made them male and female

Here is a statement that has, somehow, become controversial in the last few decades, ‘men and women are different.’ This used to be intuitively known (and I think it still is in many places) but somehow our culture has begun to pretend, together, that there are no differences between men and women. That anything men can do, women can and should do too. But this is not God’s plan or purpose. God created men and women to have separate and complimenting roles, especially in marriage.

So, when Peter begins verse 7, writing, ‘Likewise, husbands, live with your wives in an understanding way.’ That word, ‘likewise,’ is not a command for husbands to follow the same instruction that he just gave to wives—that men are to submit to their wives like wives are to submit to their husbands in some sort of dueling submission. ‘Likewise’ means that there is a command for the men as well. That just as the women have been commanded in their particular role as a wife, to submit to their husbands, so men must be instructed in how they live with a wife who follows God’s instruction here.

Men are not called to submit to their wives, but Peter’s instruction is clear; they are to live with their wives in an understanding way. Understanding their wife’s role to submit to them as their husband in all the ways Peter has said in the previous verses, but living with her ‘in an understanding way’ that does not treat her submission as license for him to lord his authority over his wife; to lead her in domineering fashion. Peter’s unique instruction to men shows us that there is a difference in the roles of men and women, but that means that there is also a unique opportunity for sin in the flesh of every husband if he is not careful. It is easy for him to take advantage and to prey upon his wife’s obedience to submission in the gospel. Men must be on guard, then, to live in an understanding way with their wives.

Understanding is leading

A husband’s understanding of his wife, in this context, comes in light of Peter’s instruction to wives in the previous verses. A husband understands his wife by understanding her role in marriage as her role to submit to her husband. We see this here and Paul also teaches this plainly in Ephesians 5:22, ‘Wives, submit to your own husbands, as to the Lord.’ Peter says that a husband must live in an understanding way with her, as she lives in that role, knowing that it is her Christian responsibility to submit her husband. In his understanding of her, then, a husband must realize that he must not abdicate his end of God’s arrangement. He is to understand her by not to lording over her, but to lead her carefully. Paul says as much in the next part of Ephesians 5, writing, ‘Husbands, love your wives, as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her, that he might sanctify her, having cleansed her by the washing of water with the word.’ As a wife is to submit to her husband, a husband is to understand her role by leading her as Christ loves the church—that is intentionally, sacrificially, as Christ leads and loves his church; shepherding her toward Christ-likeness. This is all understanding her ‘as the weaker vessel’ but also ‘as an heir with you in the grace of life.’

Many men want the kind of marriage that takes no work or effort from them. They go to work all day where they lead, toil, and strive and want to leave those things behind when they come in the door at the end of a long day. This is the temptation of every man, but leaning into that natural disposition imperils marriages. This is why Peter pens this command here. Things that are natural to us need no command. In the history of my parenting I have never had to give a command for my children to finish their dessert before leaving the table nor to spend more time playing and less time cleaning up. These are natural things and need no command so we must infer that Peter’s command means it is unnatural to men, but it is their responsibility as men redeemed by the gospel. Men, live in an understanding way with your wife. Honor her by leading her.

Understanding is sanctifying 

The fact is, there have been far too many jokes that make men’s misunderstanding their wife the punchline. While those jokes may make light of a difficult situation, they do nothing to make the situation any better. In fact, the regrettable side of such jokes is that they may even offer license for men to misunderstand they and their wife’s role, so dishonoring their wives, rather than fighting their flesh to love and lead her well. To be frank, this topic is serious—more serious than we often consider on a daily basis. It’s easy for men to be negligent in their responsibility.

So the last bit of this verse comes as a warning for husbands to take this seriously. They are to live in this way with their wives ‘so that (their) prayers may not be hindered.’ This is a fearful comment. We can easily read to mean that if husbands don’t say the right things or lead their wives correctly God will disown them, but I don’t think that is quite the spirit of it. Peter means that God has not given marriage to men for them to lead their wives and for their wives to submit, but for them to be sanctified. The roles that God has given to husbands and wives are theirs for God to work the gospel out in their lives. They both believe the gospel in order to adequately live in their roles, but then in living in their roles, God sanctifies his people. When a husband understands his role and leads his wife well, he is sanctified by it. God uses that marriage to conform him to Christ and answers his prayer in making him like Christ. When he refuses to understand his role, he is rejecting the sanctifying work God has prepared for him in marriage.

Questions for Reflection and Application

1.    Read Ephesians 5:25. How do these verses describe the mission of a husband in marriage? How does this encourage a young man to be pursuing manhood? How does this encourage young women in what they look for in a husband?

2.    Read 1 Timothy 3:4-5. Who is this referring to? How does managing one’s household according to these verses compare to Peter’s instruction in 1 Peter 3:7? Why do you suppose Paul links managing one’s home to caring for the church? What weight does this place on leadership in the home?

3.    How can we build up and encourage the men of our church to lead as God intended? How can we prepare our children according to this?